The baby and I are in the middle of a pleasant day. Yes, you read correctly. Things are pretty nice today. Although, there's not been much sleep in the form of naps... so things could go from peaceful to crap any second.
I like the fact that my baby doesn't often smile at strangers. See, we spend a lot of time in the mall and people just tend to walk right up to him and talk to him. It doesn't really seem to bother him, he stares at them intently, but he rarely smiles back. This amuses me because I know that people talk to babies with the hope of getting a smile back. My baby is already a passive aggressive rebel as evidenced in his nonwillingness to engage with these people. It's like he knows that they just want a smile, and it's almost like he's thinking... "Go try with some other baby... I'm not your little pet."
OK, maybe that's just my thoughts.
I'm thinking of changing my background again. It's really really pink. I think I need a calmer color.
Barbie's Dreamhouse Shade of Pink
Have you noticed my uber-feminine new format? This morning, my family and I were at Toys R Us, and I found myself looking longingly at the Barbies. I loved Barbie. I know, I know, she's a terrible doll for little girls to play with... I myself sat and wondered as a child why my feet were bigger than my breasts (they still are), while Barbie's were clearly the opposite.
Anyway, as I gazed at Beautiful Barbie in the pink box, I was reminded yet again that I will never have a daughter to play Barbie with. Of course, if my son really wanted to play with a Barbie, I am the kind of person who would be completely comfortable with that... but it's still not really the same thing. My husband and I are very carefully planning to not have more than one child. While I'm completely comfortable with this decision, I still get a little bummed when looking at all the girly stuff that I won't get to play with with the daughter I'm not going to have.
So my new pepto bismol pink format is a little salute to "girl toys" and how I still love them, even though I'm now officially outnumbered by boys.
Valentine's Day?
Don Knotts died yesterday. That's sad. My husband loves him.
Not much else to report other than things have been going well here. The Baby has been sleeping well... he slept about seven hours straight last night... WOW!! He has also been eating well. I think we have a temporary reprieve from the teething. What an amazing difference eating and sleeping make for not only the baby's temperment, but also for ours.
My husband and I need to reschedule Valentine's Day. We postponed it because it fell right smack in the middle of the brain cyst stuff. Now that things have settled down a little bit, I'm thinking that we should go ahead and celebrate our day of love. Any ideas? What did you guys all do for Valentine's Day?
A love letter of sorts.
In case any of you ever wonder about the other things that are going on in me and my family's life, feel free to check out my husband's blog at
http://incrediblynormal.blogspot.com. In it, he is doing an awesome job of summing up our lives lately. He is writing about the stuff that I am either blocking out because I just can't handle it anymore or too tired to even talk about lately.
While I'm on the subject of my husband, can I just say that he is the most amazing person I have ever met? He is, by far, the greatest father I have ever seen... my mother has said the same thing. He is also the greatest husband I have ever seen. I guess I don't really have the words to really do this man justice. But I shall try!
Everyday, he goes to work where he is a counselor for kids in an elementary school. I have had the exact same job as him and I know that it is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. He comes home to our son and I, and immediately takes over and gives me a break. He equally feeds, diapers, plays with, and puts to bed our son. We take turns getting up in the middle of the night to feed/ change him. Actually, I think maybe my husband gets up a slightly higher number of times than I do. He is the only one who bathes our son... I was too scared when we first brought him home and eagerly passed on that responsibility. Now, I guess it's just habit. I've never given our son a bath and he's over five months old. I'm sure I will one day... I just haven't yet.
But it's not just that. For one thing, people tend to act impressed, shocked, or even confused when they hear about how involved he is with his son. Why, I don't know. No, I know, it's because dads like him are few and far between. That's a whole other discussion on social and society norms, and trust me, my husband has already discussed that in his blog. I'm too tired to get into that myself at this point.
But, like I said, it's not just that. This man is also sweet, caring, funny (and I mean REALLY FUNNY), loving, affectionate, an incredible listener, a validator of your feelings, concerned, smart, dedicated, basically any positive adjective you could use to describe a person could be applied to him.
Despite all the shit, the baby's health issues, the mold growing on our walls, problems with insurance companies, work stress, sleep deprivation, etc, etc, I truly have the greatest life I could have ever imagined, largely due to my husband. My son is wonderful and has enriched my life immeasurably and I take some of the credit myself, too... I like the person that I've become as an adult and know that being happy with myself has increased my happiness with my life. But being with my husband truly makes everything just... better, you know?
I'm lucky and I'm happy.
Some people still have not learned to think before they speak.
Let me start with a thank you. A thank you to all of you who read what I write and have respected my wishes re: son and brain cyst. No one is calling me to discuss it, I've not had to console anyone, and I love you all for it.
That said, it is now a time to vent. I am very upset. With my supervisor. For the purpose of typing a shorter word, I shall now refer to her as Boss. Normally, I love Boss. Really, she's great. She's always been really good at handling personal situations in the workplace. That is why I'm upset.
I actually have two Bosses... one is my direct supervisor and then the other is the Big Boss... the supervisor's boss. This has to do with the big boss. In light of everything that has happened, I've been telling my supervisor about it. I told her at some point, if she wanted to clue in the Big Boss, that was fine, but I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone. So she did. Well, today, I was at work and the Big Boss came in my office and asked how I was doing. I said, "OK" with a big plastic smile on my face and tears in the very near future. (It has been a hard day.) Big Boss proceeds to ask, very chipper and loud, "So, what's the next step?" This question, obviously, is in regards to the Baby. I looked at her for a second, like, What are you talking about? And then, I just started to cry. Again. I'm just exhausted and I don't want to talk about all this, especially with Big Boss, at work, in a casual way.
I know that she really cares and didn't mean to upset me. I know also that she immediately felt bad and began backpedaling to compensate for it. Immediately, she said something like, "Oh, we don't need to talk about this." I nodded and said, "Good, because I really don't want to talk about it". She nodded empathetically and then gave me some crap advice about it being therapeutic to really get into your work at times like these. As If I Don't Know This!!!!!! That was why I was there in the first place. I sort of smiled at her and said, "Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here." Then she said that she had to get home and that she'd been thinking of me, my husband, and baby. Then she left. Thank God.
I could tell that she felt bad about the way that the whole thing happened. I know that this is the type of thing that she probably beat herself up for later on last night. The weird thing about all of this, is this woman has had some pretty difficult family issues that she's had to deal with in the past six months, so if anyone should know how it is to come to work with all that stuff weighing on your mind and in your heart, it's her.
This whole situation was not helped by the fact that minutes before I left to go into work, I had spent about an hour researching brain cysts on the internet... and trust me, there's some pretty bad stuff out there. Then I got to work and was yelled at by someone on the phone for twenty minutes over something that was not my fault. THEN, the big boss came in and said all that stuff.
Typing it all out and reading it makes it seem like it wasn't such a big deal. But it was the way she did it and then, I guess, just bad timing. It just seemed so insensitive to me. I mean, she and I have never even actually talked about this whole brain thing.
Oh, well, I'm off to work again now. We'll see if she feels like bringing it up again. Somehow, I get the feeling that this time, she won't.
What's up with my hair?
Oh, how this baby loves to keep us on our toes. The sleeping went way better last night, but today, of course, he is fussy and not eating well. I guess it's his brain tumor acting up. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do here. I think he's teething... but he's been really fussy and hasn't wanted to eat. He's eaten some... but not a lot.
He is getting better at rolling over though, so that's something.
A question to the moms... did you have what seemed to be crazy hair loss after your baby was born? I have been losing a lot of hair in the past two months or so... how long is this going to last? I'm going to end up with no hair soon!
I am tired.
What is he thinking?
The baby, I mean. After a heart wrenching, emotional roller coaster, affirming how I love my son with every ounce of my being... he proceeds to not sleep. At all. Last night. This little darling was up every hour on the hour. Sometimes he wanted to eat. Sometimes he wanted to hang out. Sometimes he wanted to talk. You know what I wanted to do every time? SLEEP!
I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to be realistic. But seriously, when are we going to get some real sleep?!
I love Dr. Trumble.
I do. I love him. He is a wonderful man. But I am getting ahead of myself.
First of all, The Baby is probably going to be fine. I don't think I've ever felt a sense of relief quite like this. Here's what went down: There is a cyst, etc, etc, but the dr. wants to take the wait and see approach. The Baby will be having another MRI in three months (ugh) to see if the cyst changes. Then he will decide whether or not to do surgery. The dr. made the surgery sound fairly simple for him to do and seems very confident that the Baby is going to be fine. One of our biggest concerns was if we wait to remove the cyst, will it cause brain damage? We were told that no, not in this short amount of time. If there was going to be brain damage, that would only occur if the cyst was left unchecked to grow for years. That is a huge relief.
We were still told that if our son displays odd behaviors, doesn't eat, cries unconsolably for a full day, etc, then we need to get an MRI done ASAP and probably remove the cyst/ tumor right away. So, my husband and I don't exactly feel like we're out of the woods or anything, and we definitely feel the pressure to remain on our toes and question everything. But, that's cool. Whatever. We can handle it.
So, we were told that basically, if the dr. feels it needs to come out, he'll take it out, and seemed to feel confident that that would go well and our little guy is going to be fine. Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course, neither of us are really going to relax until that tumor is out of there and our son is fully recovered, or they tell us, "hey, it's not growing, no need to worry anymore."
On to Dr. Trumble. He was exactly what my husband and I needed. He had a great bedside manner and was very empathetic, (not like our current sucky pediatrician) and was really good at explaining everything. He also was good at making us feel comfortable and calm. It was a great experience. You may be thinking, duh, he should be that way, but my husband and I have been through the ringer with crap doctors and nurses in the past year or so, so this was a huge relief.
I had made it through the entire appt. without getting choked up or crying, but then... at the end, my husband thanked Dr. Trumble for fitting us into his schedule, and he was just so cool about it, he was like, "No problem, I know how it can be so scary to have to go see a brain surgeon." Then he smiled and kind of waved. I looked away and then I just lost it. Because it is so scary, especially when it's your child and he's still just a little baby.
Before he was born, I was so hopeful that he would be healthy and strong, and when he came out, everyone in the room was shocked by how beautiful and strong he was. He was pretty much born pink, screaming and crying. I thought, Oh my god, he's really and truly healthy... in the weeks to come, of course, I imagined his first steps, first day of kindergarten, playing with his friends, driving, falling in love, etc, etc,.... and then when someone tells you something is wrong with your baby's brain... I honestly don't even know what to type.
Anyway, I think we're kinda sorta in the clear... at least for now. Thank you to you guys that sent emails... it really meant a lot. I'm lucky to have people in my life like you guys.
Hopefully this means that I can go back to writing posts about things like buying underwear from Old Navy.
Can I just add here that last night, to get our mind off things, my husband and I watched "Kinsey"... Did anyone else see it? I don't know how a movie all about sex can end up being boring, but somehow they managed to do it. What a disappointment.
Well, tomorrow we meet with the pediatric neurosurgeon. I am nervous, afraid, and a little excited. I am hopeful that we will be reassured and that our son will be helped.
We are exhausted. I have forgotten to eat today. Not entirely true... I had a banana and a bagel at some point. I know, I know, I KNOW!!!!!!!! that self care is very important in times like these. I'm a counselor, I've said it to people many many times.
To top it all off, the baby continues to teethe. I guess his top two are working there way in. We were told by our pediatrician to take our son to the ER if he, at any time, displays any odd behaviors, because that is a sign of brain damage. Nice. So, how do you factor teething into that? I THINK he's teething because he's cried off and on all day long and hardly eaten anything. However, I guess it's possible that it's not his teeth. I mean, I can't prove he's teething, really, until those little tuffems work their way through. So, who knows? I guess I'm confident that it's the teeth, or else we'd have already gone back to Arnold Palmer.
For what it's worth, I said as I left that hospital with my beautiful newborn son and wonderful husband, back in september, that I never wanted to go back there. Oh, well. It was worth a try.
Highlight of the day... listening to a Neil Diamond cd with husband and baby, the two of them dancing around to Cracklin' Rosie.
going to eat and crash.
An extremely bad two weeks.
Yet again, I have neglected the blog. Life has become, shall I say, without the slightest hint of being overdramatic, almost unbearable lately. The baby has a problem. A serious, scary one, at that. Don't freak out, my five friends that read this, if for only the reason that I need your support through this, and it's way more helpful if you are all calm.
A trip to the pediatrician office about two weeks ago, revealed that our son's head was big. Anyone who has seen him or a picture of him knows this, but to the ped., it was more of an issue that it's gotten big very quickly. He told me that he wanted a cat scan done, sending me into a panic, imagining hydroencephalus (water on the brain). Well, let me just catch you all up to speed.
The past two weeks have been true hell of cat scans and MRI's and now an upcoming trip to a pediatric neurosurgeon.
Our son does not have water on the brain, which is great, but he does have what appears to be a non cancerous cyst, growing in between his brain and his skull, causing his head to be bigger than it should be. The cyst is putting pressure on his brain and is probably going to need to be removed. Removal will probably require making a hole in his skull and draining the cyst.
Jesus Christ, I don't like talking about this.
We are going to the neurosurgeon on Monday morning to see if he thinks that our son needs surgery or what.
This kid is only five months old, and he's already been through acid reflux, some kind of colicky nightmare that went on for months and now, a brain tumor. And I say brain tumor, because according to the research that I've done, anything growing on/ in/ near the brain (cancer or not) is considered a brain tumor. My kid has a brain tumor. In a sick way, it's almost comical. I mean, a brain tumor is that "thing" that you say as joke, like, "hey, at least it's not a brain tumor."
Anyway, I'm going to have to cut this short, because the typing noises woke up the little one. If I may ask of you, please don't call me to talk about this. I'm much more comfortable communicating about this via email. That is, if you have anything you want to say about it, anyway. But, please don't feel like you have to say something or come up with something philosophical... no offense, but it won't really help anyway.
I'll give an update after we see the neurosurgeon. Also, please don't tell a lot of people about this. Most of my family don't even know, I'm waiting until after the neurosurgeon appt. to tell them.
Disney Report
Have I ever said that I loved Disney World? I do. I do love it, despite these things:
the convenient buses that are supposed to "shuttle" you to your disney destination take forever and the system is a little confusing. We thought we were going to Downtown Disney and ended up at Epcot. Crap.
The price and the quality of most of the food.
The "water view" my husband paid extra for which turned out to be a view of the hedge around the pool. This resulted in complaining and we were given a much better room with a view.
the provided shampoo by Disney is more like liquid hand soap and does not clean my hair.
The fact that it is very hard to buy chap stick there.
Despite these things, we had the best weekend ever. It was super fun and relaxing. We went to Epcot, went on some rides, did a little drinking, but mostly we just got to walk around and talk. That was really the best part. The resort was beautiful, and anyone who's been to Epcot knows how pretty it is, so it was cool just to be outside and look at the trees and flowers and stuff.
We also eventually found our way to Downtown Disney (albeit by car, not by shuttle bus) and got to see Brokeback Mountain. So good... I don't think I have the time and energy right now to really share how I feel about this movie, but I can just say that when I saw Life is Beautiful back in 1997 or something, I not only loved it, but it was also an important movie that brought awareness to people. Brokeback Mountain so far is the only other movie I've seen in my life that I felt the same way about. People shouldn't be afraid to see it because it's a"gay movie" or anything like that. It's amazing.
Anyway, things are pretty good... just adjusting to being back at home with the little one. He got his four month old shots yesterday... we are all still dealing with the aftermath of that. I hope that everyone else is doing well. Not much else to say.
Feeling guilty
OK, regarding grandma... I've been feeling bad since I wrote that she wasn't nice and I didn't care. The truth is, I hardly knew her. She was my father's mother and I hardly even know him. I've only seen my grandma a few times in my life and the last time was when I was nine. As an adult, I made a few attempts to reestablish or create some kind of relationship by sending cards, letters, and pictures, but the most I ever got in return was sometimes a Christmas card signed Love, Grandma. It hurt my feelings that she didn't make more of an effort. I really don't know what she thought of me (if anything really), because pretty much her entire view of me was probably based on whatever my father told her, and I have absolutely no idea whether or not he would talk positively or negatively about me. I guess that's why I said what I said, but it doesn't make it ok. There are people out there that loved her and are grieving and it was disrespectful of me to say that. In my own personal experience, my family is not very healthy and/ or good at communicating with each other for the most part. There are only a few people that I'm related to that I am 1. proud to say that I am, and 2. care to even know. One of them is Sandie and I just want you to know that I'm sorry and I hope that what I said did not upset you. If it did, I hope that you can accept my apology. (I would have probably just emailed this to you, but I lost your address again).
Anyway, there's a little family history and what not for everyone.
And baby makes three, four, or five
You know how all of the sudden you turn 25, and all your friends, kids you grew up with, cousins, etc, start getting married? Well, I've found the same thing happened to us regarding babies. I got pregnant a year ago... I mean literally, about a year and 1 month ago, but within a few months, four other women I knew were also pregnant.
One was a coworker, with her first baby, who, strangely, has always been very competitive with me. This has always been kind of funny to me because I am so NOT competitive that it would tickle me, so to speak, that she even cared what I was doing at work and then was even trying to top it. So the kicker came when she became pregnant four months after me. Stop trying to be like me!!!!!!!
Anyway, the next one was my oldest friend, who I've known for 22 years, who very unexpectedly (I can relate) got pregnant with their 3rd baby. And I have felt bad for her ever since.
Then!! Two more girlfriends called and said, "Guess what?" One was going to have her second and another was going to have her first.
I guess that when you take a married woman in her late twenties and you roll the dice, odds are that she's trying or wanting to or Oh Crap getting pregnant. But it was weird. I like to think that I started a trend.
Anyway, she who was to have her surprise 3rd, gave birth two days ago. Third baby, first boy, and this guy is HUGE. He was almost ten pounds. Ugh. I don't even like to think about it. But I wish them all well. For all the complaining I do about babies, I love my son to death. He is so wonderful, that I'm beginning to be able to understand why people want to have children. Now, I don't want anymore of them... but I do understand it.
On to the mold issue. We live in a great apt. But, it's kind of old and we've recently noticed some mold growing here and there, mostly around windows and in the bathroom. This is so disappointing because I love our apt. and not only do I not want to move because moving sucks! but also because I LOVE IT HERE. But if these crap heads don't get in here and clean up this mold, then we are going to have to get the hell out of dodge. Hello! We have a baby!! This whole paragraph may not make a lot of sense, but don't worry, I'm just venting.
My very best friend and I had an idea yesterday to start a business selling post partum underwear with funny sayings printed on them, like Do Not Enter and Rebuilding in Progress.
Speaking of underwear... I am again wearing my beautiful wonderful Old Navy's...Best purchase I ever made.
Oscar noms... still haven't seen any of them, but since the Disney Weekend is this weekend, we are planning to see a movie. Maybe the theatre will be showing Brokeback or Capote...
Oh, and regarding the State of the Union... all I really have the energy to say is... ugh. I hate him.
But I love you all!!!!
